Helping small children name their feelings

Your child throws a toy, screams, or hides under the bed. Underneath, there is usually a feeling they cannot yet put into words. When children learn words for feelings, big emotions become easier to handle, for them and for you.

Why words for feelings help

Small children feel everything strongly but have a small vocabulary. A child who can say "I am cross" or "I am sad" has another way to be heard than hitting or crying. Naming a feeling also helps it feel smaller and less scary. It takes time. Children keep learning this through the early years, so be patient.

This is the best long-term answer to tantrums.

Start with four feelings

Do not teach twenty words. Begin with happy, sad, angry and scared. Later add tired, excited, shy, proud, and "disappointed".

Everyday ways to teach

• Name it as it happens. "You are frowning. Are you angry that your brother took the ball?" You are giving a word, not telling them what they feel. If they say "no", that is fine, too.
• Say your own feelings out loud. "I feel tired after work, so I need to sit for a minute." Children learn a lot from hearing a parent do this.
• Use pictures. Draw four faces on paper and ask: "Which face are you today?" Many children point more easily than they speak.
• Use stories. When you read a book or a folk tale, ask: "How does the little rabbit feel? How can you tell?"
• Play with faces. Make a sad face and a happy face in the mirror. Make it a game.
• Use rhymes and songs. Songs like "If you're happy and you know it" give children the words, and the actions, together.

What to say when a big feeling arrives

1. Get down to their level and stay calm.
2. Name it: "You are really angry."
3. Accept the feeling, limit the action. "You may be angry. You may not hit. Stomp your feet instead."
4. Offer a way out: a hug, a drink of water, a few slow breaths. See calm-down breathing.
5. Talk later, when they are calm, in a sentence or two.

Things to avoid

• "Stop crying" or "Big boys do not cry." This teaches children to hide feelings, not manage them.
• Saying "You are fine" when they clearly are not.
• Long explanations during the storm. Few words work best.
• Labelling a child as "naughty" or "angry" as a personality. The feeling is passing; the child is not the feeling.

A simple game: the feelings jar

Write or draw feelings on small bits of paper. Put them in a bowl. Take turns picking one and saying when you last felt it: "I felt happy when Nani visited." It takes two minutes at dinner and teaches both vocabulary and listening.

Positive feelings count too

Do not only name the hard ones. "You look so proud of that tower!" is just as important. Children need words for good feelings as much as bad ones.

When to ask for help

Strong feelings are normal in the early years. If your child seems sad or worried most of the time, is very afraid of ordinary things, or hurts themselves or others often, talk to your child's doctor or teacher. This article is general information, not medical advice.

How Child Runway helps

Child Runway has an island for friendship and feelings, Friendship Village, where story lessons are short, 2 to 5 minutes, with a song and a game after each one. Your child answers, moves and sings along, and there is something to try at home, such as a feelings-face game at dinner.